Saturday, June 12, 2004
"Emeal Jacobson invents e-mail, returns home to check it" - Canora Gazette
There once was a man.
A man who not only proudly served his country, but also served with a vengeance. This man not only chose to risk his life, but also chose to risk his manhood, when, prior to the end of the Korean War, he returned home to his loving wife, where he undertook the grandiose task of fathering 15 children.
In fact, that man still lives today.
And the name he goes by has been written in stone. Over the ages the tides have ran many a time over the stone, but his name still glistens as brightly as the day it was enscribed. The name this man goes by is Emeal.
Emeal Jacobson.
Firstly, I am here to pen his succeses... Although the few (all social elites) who know Emeal "Email" Jacobson on a first name basis would most likely describe him as undescribable, the physical features may be the appropriate place to start. Emeal has often been referred to as an adonis. Not only because women around the world have fallen under his spell, but also because it is not uncommon for a man to express his love. In fact, to this day, Mr. Jacobson has been made the object of affection of 36 women, 16 men, and 2 plantains. Also to date, he has left 0 woman at the alter, with the exception of two men, whom he met in Las Vegas, and could easily be mistaken as ladies. All of which can be expected after serving a tour-of-duty overseas.
Speaking of his tour-of-duty, it was in the Korean War, while proudly serving for his majesty the Queen of Ourland where the man himself was enraged by a terrible struggle between Commis and forces of gravity. Sheer willpower came into play as a large cement building cracked apart his right femur.
It began as a normal war-time day. The allied nations had intercepted and decoded Communist orders, all of which involved wearing lubed red thongs to battle today. Emeal had woken up in a bunk surrounded by other naked men, and callously removed a dildo from his anal passage. Grumbling about the lack of latrine, he threw on his boots, strapped on his helmet, and a strung a picture of Nei' Borly around his neck. He was once again prepared to subject Commis to Capitalist lead.
Later that day, while laying on the ground firing his m16 at the advancing Commis, a fighter bomber overhead screamed by, dropping an air to ground missile on the factory he was up against. The walls crumbled under the force of the blow and one just happened to topple onto our hero. His right leg was split apart by a shard of cement, and his body nearly covered in the thick of it all. The scene was grotesque, and amidst the blood, sweat, and tears (or lack, thereof), Emeal somehow managed to suppress the bleeding with the butt of his rifle while using his bayonet to pivot the fallen cement off of his wound. Upon releasing the pressure, the shattered wound blew open and instead of meerly passing out then and there at the sight of more than 5 litres of blood, Emeal managed to remain in control of his mind, his body, and his soul. He spat onto his hands, reached deep into his open leg, right below the knee, and shifted his broken femur back into place. With this extra force on his leg, even more blood shot up around him. He was now, literally, laying in a pool of the warm, steaming, red liquid. Now somewhat exhausted due to extreme blood loss and the physical might needed to shift the largest bone in his body, Emeal revived himself by taking a hit of scotch from his breast-pocket flask. Needless to say, it took little strength for our hero to move away the 500 pounds of cement laying on top of him, and despite having broken a leg, all his ribs, seven fingers and a shoulder, he was jitter-bugging in the mess hall that night.
Equally daunting is the story of Emeal's creation of what today is known simply as "E-mail". Emeal returned from Korea to find much of his life gone. Old dreams had been shattered with the creation of the computer, as it was of course his idea to attach a microprocessor to a central circuit board to create a machine smarter than himself. Unfortunately for Emeal, he called in to patent the idea way back in '68, and was told the papers would be shipped to his door. Next month, the same company who had offered the patent began selling the idea of a "computer" to major multi-million dollar technology research companies. In order to spite the patenters that has rudely ripped him off, Emeal went to work on a Mac Classic creating lines of code that would eventually lead to the creation of a small account from which the very first prank over the internet was sent. Upon the creation of plain text Email, Emeal wrote this clever joke to Bill Gates, owner of his idea. I believe it went something like this, "Dear Sir, you have stolen my idea, but soon 'email' will provide everyone with as much porn, stock quotes, and ridiculously low insurance rates as they could ever handle. You could never incite such a diverse audience to your porn-affair".
All in all, Emeal "Email" Jacobson can still be found today. If you look long and hard, you may just notice him walking by Mama's and the flower shop oh Stony Plain. I have no doubt that you'll recognize him instantly, for his limp is gracious, and his cane-sword on hand make him an eyesor for the eyes. Be sure to tip your hat, as Emeal's eyesight and hearing have gone far from decent over the years, but he is known to enjoy the customary greeting offered by the hat of a passerby.
A man who not only proudly served his country, but also served with a vengeance. This man not only chose to risk his life, but also chose to risk his manhood, when, prior to the end of the Korean War, he returned home to his loving wife, where he undertook the grandiose task of fathering 15 children.
In fact, that man still lives today.
And the name he goes by has been written in stone. Over the ages the tides have ran many a time over the stone, but his name still glistens as brightly as the day it was enscribed. The name this man goes by is Emeal.
Emeal Jacobson.
Firstly, I am here to pen his succeses... Although the few (all social elites) who know Emeal "Email" Jacobson on a first name basis would most likely describe him as undescribable, the physical features may be the appropriate place to start. Emeal has often been referred to as an adonis. Not only because women around the world have fallen under his spell, but also because it is not uncommon for a man to express his love. In fact, to this day, Mr. Jacobson has been made the object of affection of 36 women, 16 men, and 2 plantains. Also to date, he has left 0 woman at the alter, with the exception of two men, whom he met in Las Vegas, and could easily be mistaken as ladies. All of which can be expected after serving a tour-of-duty overseas.
Speaking of his tour-of-duty, it was in the Korean War, while proudly serving for his majesty the Queen of Ourland where the man himself was enraged by a terrible struggle between Commis and forces of gravity. Sheer willpower came into play as a large cement building cracked apart his right femur.
It began as a normal war-time day. The allied nations had intercepted and decoded Communist orders, all of which involved wearing lubed red thongs to battle today. Emeal had woken up in a bunk surrounded by other naked men, and callously removed a dildo from his anal passage. Grumbling about the lack of latrine, he threw on his boots, strapped on his helmet, and a strung a picture of Nei' Borly around his neck. He was once again prepared to subject Commis to Capitalist lead.
Later that day, while laying on the ground firing his m16 at the advancing Commis, a fighter bomber overhead screamed by, dropping an air to ground missile on the factory he was up against. The walls crumbled under the force of the blow and one just happened to topple onto our hero. His right leg was split apart by a shard of cement, and his body nearly covered in the thick of it all. The scene was grotesque, and amidst the blood, sweat, and tears (or lack, thereof), Emeal somehow managed to suppress the bleeding with the butt of his rifle while using his bayonet to pivot the fallen cement off of his wound. Upon releasing the pressure, the shattered wound blew open and instead of meerly passing out then and there at the sight of more than 5 litres of blood, Emeal managed to remain in control of his mind, his body, and his soul. He spat onto his hands, reached deep into his open leg, right below the knee, and shifted his broken femur back into place. With this extra force on his leg, even more blood shot up around him. He was now, literally, laying in a pool of the warm, steaming, red liquid. Now somewhat exhausted due to extreme blood loss and the physical might needed to shift the largest bone in his body, Emeal revived himself by taking a hit of scotch from his breast-pocket flask. Needless to say, it took little strength for our hero to move away the 500 pounds of cement laying on top of him, and despite having broken a leg, all his ribs, seven fingers and a shoulder, he was jitter-bugging in the mess hall that night.
Equally daunting is the story of Emeal's creation of what today is known simply as "E-mail". Emeal returned from Korea to find much of his life gone. Old dreams had been shattered with the creation of the computer, as it was of course his idea to attach a microprocessor to a central circuit board to create a machine smarter than himself. Unfortunately for Emeal, he called in to patent the idea way back in '68, and was told the papers would be shipped to his door. Next month, the same company who had offered the patent began selling the idea of a "computer" to major multi-million dollar technology research companies. In order to spite the patenters that has rudely ripped him off, Emeal went to work on a Mac Classic creating lines of code that would eventually lead to the creation of a small account from which the very first prank over the internet was sent. Upon the creation of plain text Email, Emeal wrote this clever joke to Bill Gates, owner of his idea. I believe it went something like this, "Dear Sir, you have stolen my idea, but soon 'email' will provide everyone with as much porn, stock quotes, and ridiculously low insurance rates as they could ever handle. You could never incite such a diverse audience to your porn-affair".
All in all, Emeal "Email" Jacobson can still be found today. If you look long and hard, you may just notice him walking by Mama's and the flower shop oh Stony Plain. I have no doubt that you'll recognize him instantly, for his limp is gracious, and his cane-sword on hand make him an eyesor for the eyes. Be sure to tip your hat, as Emeal's eyesight and hearing have gone far from decent over the years, but he is known to enjoy the customary greeting offered by the hat of a passerby.
