Monday, December 26, 2005
Amusement park ride deemed 'unsafe, unkept, and possibly prolific'
In a move that left hundreds dissapointed; many others confused, and one preteen a little sore, the local amusement park has closed its doors.
The Canora 5 Flags Amusement Park shut down the facility yesterday after numerous complaints that the popular "Mach 5" was injuring, and possibly impregnating patrons.
Carnie Jimmy Lather and frequent operator of the drop-of-doom-like ride was upset, but showed no signs of remorse for any of the 50-some injured riders. "Sure, it's too bad, I mean, I could be out of a job... Thank God for the Carnie Code." As for the one recorded case of a young preteen's insemination after attending the amusement park, Lather remarked "Cool. err, uh, no, No comment."
Park founder, dignitary and Avon enthusiast Nei Borly responded to the anger by pointing to the Waiver of Liability. "I'll refer you to Article IV, Section III: After the undersigned amusement park patron (hereinafter referred to as "he/she") has signed the waiver, any rights, including but not limited to, the right to bear arms, the right to council, the right to ownership of land, the right to free speech; assembly; mobility, and the right to abstinance are hereby waived."
He also added that the park is for enjoyment, and if the ride can't be fixed, the board may vote on opening an "Adults Only" section on the grounds.
Janice Hopper, 13 in January, attended the Canora amusement center last month. Slated for her period a day later, it never came. Initially quite excited in menopause as she would never have to put 'that' in 'there' again, she became worried when she found condoms in her mother's bedroom. Eileen Hopper is 54.
Janice told her teacher the next day at school, and after a series of events that can only be described as nothing short of 'incorrect', it was determined that David Shartre in grade 5 had fertilized Janice's egg. Mr Henderson brought the idea to principal, only to embarrass himself when Mrs Clarke reminded Mr Henderson that the notion of a 10 year old with semen was, at best, impossible. The two spent the rest of the day pouring over the possibilities of intrusion, and coming up dry each time, Janice was eventually sent back to class. Giddy, ADD, and possibly menopausal, Janice wasted no time in telling her friends that Mr Henderson and Mrs Clarke were doing 'it' in the office.
Entirely unsure of what 'it' was, one 7th grader pitched the idea that 'it' was, in fact, what had happened to Janice last month at Canora 5 Flags. Unfortunately, earlier that month, the paper ran an article condeming the park for its ride turned sex toy, the Mach 5. (Apparently, the swift downward thrust of the Mach 5, at a nearly intollerable speed, proved excellent for anal sex). Janice told her mom she'd had 'it' done to her at the amusement park. Her mother smiled weakly at the child's naivety, but remembered having read the paper a few weeks ago. After rifling through the recycling, she called the journal.
Still confused and unaware of the potentially damaging lifelong effects, reporters for the local press appeared on the doorstop of an equally confused Janice Hopper. Uninterested in the girl's menstruation, or rather lack thereof, they asked if Mr Hopper was home. He was.
"I wasn't even aware she'd started menstruating!" commented eccentric dad Tim, in between mouthfuls of milk duds.
When asked for his thoughts, brother Riley was cut off by his friends in the basement. After much hooting, the consensus appeared to be "Cool".
The Canora 5 Flags will be shut down for at least a month, and will reupon upon inspection and completion of an exam by the health inspector. It is unlikely that any of the staff will return, as the results of the DNA came back "Carnie".
The Canora 5 Flags Amusement Park shut down the facility yesterday after numerous complaints that the popular "Mach 5" was injuring, and possibly impregnating patrons.
Carnie Jimmy Lather and frequent operator of the drop-of-doom-like ride was upset, but showed no signs of remorse for any of the 50-some injured riders. "Sure, it's too bad, I mean, I could be out of a job... Thank God for the Carnie Code." As for the one recorded case of a young preteen's insemination after attending the amusement park, Lather remarked "Cool. err, uh, no, No comment."
Park founder, dignitary and Avon enthusiast Nei Borly responded to the anger by pointing to the Waiver of Liability. "I'll refer you to Article IV, Section III: After the undersigned amusement park patron (hereinafter referred to as "he/she") has signed the waiver, any rights, including but not limited to, the right to bear arms, the right to council, the right to ownership of land, the right to free speech; assembly; mobility, and the right to abstinance are hereby waived."
He also added that the park is for enjoyment, and if the ride can't be fixed, the board may vote on opening an "Adults Only" section on the grounds.
Janice Hopper, 13 in January, attended the Canora amusement center last month. Slated for her period a day later, it never came. Initially quite excited in menopause as she would never have to put 'that' in 'there' again, she became worried when she found condoms in her mother's bedroom. Eileen Hopper is 54.
Janice told her teacher the next day at school, and after a series of events that can only be described as nothing short of 'incorrect', it was determined that David Shartre in grade 5 had fertilized Janice's egg. Mr Henderson brought the idea to principal, only to embarrass himself when Mrs Clarke reminded Mr Henderson that the notion of a 10 year old with semen was, at best, impossible. The two spent the rest of the day pouring over the possibilities of intrusion, and coming up dry each time, Janice was eventually sent back to class. Giddy, ADD, and possibly menopausal, Janice wasted no time in telling her friends that Mr Henderson and Mrs Clarke were doing 'it' in the office.
Entirely unsure of what 'it' was, one 7th grader pitched the idea that 'it' was, in fact, what had happened to Janice last month at Canora 5 Flags. Unfortunately, earlier that month, the paper ran an article condeming the park for its ride turned sex toy, the Mach 5. (Apparently, the swift downward thrust of the Mach 5, at a nearly intollerable speed, proved excellent for anal sex). Janice told her mom she'd had 'it' done to her at the amusement park. Her mother smiled weakly at the child's naivety, but remembered having read the paper a few weeks ago. After rifling through the recycling, she called the journal.
Still confused and unaware of the potentially damaging lifelong effects, reporters for the local press appeared on the doorstop of an equally confused Janice Hopper. Uninterested in the girl's menstruation, or rather lack thereof, they asked if Mr Hopper was home. He was.
"I wasn't even aware she'd started menstruating!" commented eccentric dad Tim, in between mouthfuls of milk duds.
When asked for his thoughts, brother Riley was cut off by his friends in the basement. After much hooting, the consensus appeared to be "Cool".
The Canora 5 Flags will be shut down for at least a month, and will reupon upon inspection and completion of an exam by the health inspector. It is unlikely that any of the staff will return, as the results of the DNA came back "Carnie".
