Friday, January 20, 2006
Alumni BBQ Attracts Non-Alumni
Principal of Springwood Elementary/Junior High School is still scratching his head after the 50th alumni barbeque was crashed by two unidentified teens. "We had a calm Friday afternoon planned for the 50 some guests invited to the alumni BBQ, but the situation soon turned immature as two high school aged boys arrived." Mr Strathern said from his desk Monday morning.
Witnesses say that after arriving around 6:00 pm, two boys posed for a series of Alumni-only photos and then went for the name tag table. There, they gave the first impressions of drunkenness when they got into a fight over which one of them was Mr. Dinkles and who was Sergeant Keppler. After the argument, they signed fake names on the stickers and left the "Year" field blank.
It was then time to mingle. One of the boys, likely from the neighborhood, knew some of the parents chatting amicably in the parking lot. He approached them next to the food tables and, after exchanging violent handshakes with only the women, implied he was now a successful doctor and couldn't be more delighted to see everyone "after all these years". Meanwhile, his friend had purchased three hot dogs, spilt ketchup on the ground, and left a large aural tip with the two prepubescent girls working the table. Both their fathers were within earshot, and the one with a beard had this to say: "They're only in grade 7, just trying to get service hours for religion class! I don't even think they know what a 'clit' is!" offended, he continued, "At this point, I knew these guys had to go!"
Sensing something was amiss, the two boys scattered to higher ground. That is to say they went for the 26 they'd hidden in the slide, and quickly downed shots. They were returning to the parking lot where the festivities were being held when they both, simultaneously, noticed the AstroJump in the field. It begged them to do it justice.
Sammy Barnes, a grade 2 student at Springwood, was jumping happily when the two teens took over. They threatened to "pull the plug" on the AstroJump air pump unit if they were not allowed in, and Sammy, a known talker-backer, would hear nothing of it. He stuck out his tongue at the teens and then stamped one of their feet. After pinning him to the ground, administering two wet willies, and nicknaming him "Tinky Winky", the teens removed his shoelaces, and tied his hands behind his back. Drunk, they entered the AstroJump; kids' feelings were hurt, and they threw up all over.
The evening climaxed when, after being escorted off the grounds, the two boys circled the school, stacked a garbage can on a picnic table and found their way onto the roof.
Witnesses in the parking lot say that the evening was well past 8 and many of the parents had taken their younger kids home when they started hearing things being yelled at them from the roof. "So much for a calm evening where everyone enjoys themselves!" reported one angry dad.
Although accounts of what the boys actually said differ, many present agreed that "prepubescent clit" was tossed around loudly and off-key renditions of "America! Fuck Yeah!" were also heard.
The end of the evening came as the offended crowd dispersed under a hail of balls. Over the years, the elementary school had collected many soccer, foot, and base balls on the roof, and on Friday they came raining down. After unsuccessfully trying to drop kick a baseball, one teen simply threw it in the air and yelled "Gravity fuckin' rules!" The freely falling ball struck a physics teacher on the head. And then the police arrived.
Refusing to cooperate with the coppers, the boys soon grew tired of evading the megaphone and fell asleep next to a warm air vent.
Sentenced to 100 community service hours, the boys immediately and simultaneously declared they would "do it again in another 50 years!"
Witnesses say that after arriving around 6:00 pm, two boys posed for a series of Alumni-only photos and then went for the name tag table. There, they gave the first impressions of drunkenness when they got into a fight over which one of them was Mr. Dinkles and who was Sergeant Keppler. After the argument, they signed fake names on the stickers and left the "Year" field blank.
It was then time to mingle. One of the boys, likely from the neighborhood, knew some of the parents chatting amicably in the parking lot. He approached them next to the food tables and, after exchanging violent handshakes with only the women, implied he was now a successful doctor and couldn't be more delighted to see everyone "after all these years". Meanwhile, his friend had purchased three hot dogs, spilt ketchup on the ground, and left a large aural tip with the two prepubescent girls working the table. Both their fathers were within earshot, and the one with a beard had this to say: "They're only in grade 7, just trying to get service hours for religion class! I don't even think they know what a 'clit' is!" offended, he continued, "At this point, I knew these guys had to go!"
Sensing something was amiss, the two boys scattered to higher ground. That is to say they went for the 26 they'd hidden in the slide, and quickly downed shots. They were returning to the parking lot where the festivities were being held when they both, simultaneously, noticed the AstroJump in the field. It begged them to do it justice.
Sammy Barnes, a grade 2 student at Springwood, was jumping happily when the two teens took over. They threatened to "pull the plug" on the AstroJump air pump unit if they were not allowed in, and Sammy, a known talker-backer, would hear nothing of it. He stuck out his tongue at the teens and then stamped one of their feet. After pinning him to the ground, administering two wet willies, and nicknaming him "Tinky Winky", the teens removed his shoelaces, and tied his hands behind his back. Drunk, they entered the AstroJump; kids' feelings were hurt, and they threw up all over.
The evening climaxed when, after being escorted off the grounds, the two boys circled the school, stacked a garbage can on a picnic table and found their way onto the roof.
Witnesses in the parking lot say that the evening was well past 8 and many of the parents had taken their younger kids home when they started hearing things being yelled at them from the roof. "So much for a calm evening where everyone enjoys themselves!" reported one angry dad.
Although accounts of what the boys actually said differ, many present agreed that "prepubescent clit" was tossed around loudly and off-key renditions of "America! Fuck Yeah!" were also heard.
The end of the evening came as the offended crowd dispersed under a hail of balls. Over the years, the elementary school had collected many soccer, foot, and base balls on the roof, and on Friday they came raining down. After unsuccessfully trying to drop kick a baseball, one teen simply threw it in the air and yelled "Gravity fuckin' rules!" The freely falling ball struck a physics teacher on the head. And then the police arrived.
Refusing to cooperate with the coppers, the boys soon grew tired of evading the megaphone and fell asleep next to a warm air vent.
Sentenced to 100 community service hours, the boys immediately and simultaneously declared they would "do it again in another 50 years!"
