Monday, December 10, 2007
Researchers Declare Pizza Pop 'Most Dangerous Food to Consume post-Consumption'
Citing the cheesestring-like cheese, very hot pepperoni pieces and difficulty with which a Pillusbury Pizza Pop is evenly heated, experts at the Institute for Food Literacy yesterday released the conclusive evidence that it is the food most likely to cause personal danger during periods of post alcohol consumption.
"The peril a personal Pizza Pop produces should not be underestimated; during a phase of post-consumption, the Pizza Pop is, statiscally speaking, much more likely to bring about harm than any other food." Explained Dr. Stevenson-Burns, BSc., MSc., and sitting Co-Chair for the Research Council of Food and Food Related Injuries. He added: "The various experiments we have crafted at the Institute to test the so called "defense-mechanisms" of foodstuffs have been standardized for all food categories: Dairy, Ovary [fruit] and Vegetable, and Cocoa and Cocoa sister-products. Of all currently databased resultants, it was the Pizza Pop that produced the most disturbing results".
The Research Council's primary request is that the delicious, nutritious, and with 35% of your daily recommended vitamin C intake Pizza Pop be removed from the freezer shelves immediately, until an impartial mediator can meet with the Pillsbury company and agree on a strategy to render the snack less dangerous. The Council's concerns range from failing to grades in the various experimental tests to an influx of consumer reports from the field, indicating a general dissatisfaction with the Pizza Pop when consumed.
Although only 50 of the 155 page report has been released to the public (the rest as-yet unreviewed by the Federal Snack Consumption Board and thus, unavailable at the time of press), the results of the so-far published tests are disconcerting. The snack food received failing grades in all of the following categories: Explosivity (And the Temperature Coorelation), Filling to Molar Heat Capacity ratio, Number of Simulated Meat Particles per unit area (and the effects therein), and finally, Tenderness Factor; the Ability to Protonate-Oxidize Enamel (Hydroxlyapatite- crystalline calcium phosphate), Leaving the Consumer Susceptible to Post-Consumption/Pre-Natural Ageing Wear of the Gum and Tooth Line. Only the Overall Taste Contingency Test provided the Pizza Pop with a passing grade, a mear L-Alpha(+), which in laymen's terms translates to a D-.
The Federal Government has announced it will, thus far, take no new precautionary measures to warn consumers of the danger of consuming a Pizza Pop post-consumption. While lobby groups have already begun to scramble to save Pillsbury and the pizza-snack-like's reputation, it is also certain that enjoyers of alcohol and morning-after snacks will become more hesitant as they browse the frozen aisle after work on Friday's.
"The peril a personal Pizza Pop produces should not be underestimated; during a phase of post-consumption, the Pizza Pop is, statiscally speaking, much more likely to bring about harm than any other food." Explained Dr. Stevenson-Burns, BSc., MSc., and sitting Co-Chair for the Research Council of Food and Food Related Injuries. He added: "The various experiments we have crafted at the Institute to test the so called "defense-mechanisms" of foodstuffs have been standardized for all food categories: Dairy, Ovary [fruit] and Vegetable, and Cocoa and Cocoa sister-products. Of all currently databased resultants, it was the Pizza Pop that produced the most disturbing results".
The Research Council's primary request is that the delicious, nutritious, and with 35% of your daily recommended vitamin C intake Pizza Pop be removed from the freezer shelves immediately, until an impartial mediator can meet with the Pillsbury company and agree on a strategy to render the snack less dangerous. The Council's concerns range from failing to grades in the various experimental tests to an influx of consumer reports from the field, indicating a general dissatisfaction with the Pizza Pop when consumed.
Although only 50 of the 155 page report has been released to the public (the rest as-yet unreviewed by the Federal Snack Consumption Board and thus, unavailable at the time of press), the results of the so-far published tests are disconcerting. The snack food received failing grades in all of the following categories: Explosivity (And the Temperature Coorelation), Filling to Molar Heat Capacity ratio, Number of Simulated Meat Particles per unit area (and the effects therein), and finally, Tenderness Factor; the Ability to Protonate-Oxidize Enamel (Hydroxlyapatite- crystalline calcium phosphate), Leaving the Consumer Susceptible to Post-Consumption/Pre-Natural Ageing Wear of the Gum and Tooth Line. Only the Overall Taste Contingency Test provided the Pizza Pop with a passing grade, a mear L-Alpha(+), which in laymen's terms translates to a D-.
The Federal Government has announced it will, thus far, take no new precautionary measures to warn consumers of the danger of consuming a Pizza Pop post-consumption. While lobby groups have already begun to scramble to save Pillsbury and the pizza-snack-like's reputation, it is also certain that enjoyers of alcohol and morning-after snacks will become more hesitant as they browse the frozen aisle after work on Friday's.
